5.03.2010
the singlemost important person in this world that i adore...
GOOD LUCK JENNA> YOU DESERVE THIS INTERNSHIP MORE THAN EVER.
4.25.2010
my first & LAST poem
summer 2010.
the summer of dreams.
i'm serious.
& let's be real, i'm not a big fan of "dreams"
what i am a fan of is control over my life.
last year i thought that being in control was being stable
& by being stable meant staying in chicago for an entire year.
no back and forth btw. michigan & chicago bull.
& i did it.
i succeeded.
one year spent as a f/t resident of the 2nd city...
& low n' behold, i didn't completely hate it.
i just ended up with a realization that i am so grateful i didn't sign any contracts
because a commitment to longer than a year would in fact make me hate this city. which is not really an option as i will want to walk down to wabash & 8th one day with a kid and point to my three houses within three blocks & tell him about the years i spent living in each of those places.
regardless.
its all that's on my mind.
its making it hard to see completed finals
china
china
teaching groups of chinese kids & college students how to master american sarcasm & facial expressions
china
walking around and not really hearing or understanding anything
completely disconnected except for the fact that i can hear tons of noise
& see things ive never seen before
or more so seeing all the brands ive been studying at an entirely different level of sophistication
& attempt to make sounds with my tongue
it will be just like being a toddler again
only with the ability to eat phenomenal foods... that i would never have chosen with my american options
& crazy new desserts that i'd normally be too picky to try
taking pictures and writing again like i did on mackinac
haven't felt so connected with my thoughts since i left
haven't felt so calm since the one day i started writing on that island
this is why i've got to go.
so please don't doubt me.
the doubt makes me procrastinate planning the life in china.
in some regards it may seem like a cop out so i wont have to begin the system's real life
but the thing is, and what you might have missed
was a meeting with my google mentor.
she told me.
what do you see yourself doing after december
i told her i want to learn more
i didnt get what i expected to get out of college
i went to college to learn
i dont think i learned what i went there to learn
im going to china to learn.
about the language
about myself
about the chinese lifestyle
about people completely different than anyone ive ever known or even considered spending time with
i need to find out where the real in reality is... because i dont seem to have found it here in sweet home chicago.
& i know. china isn't the best place in the world.
i just read this blog: Rants About China
that all said--
funny thing is.
1. i never mentioned anything happening this summer
2. i have to commit to work in china for a year
the summer of dreams.
i'm serious.
& let's be real, i'm not a big fan of "dreams"
what i am a fan of is control over my life.
last year i thought that being in control was being stable
& by being stable meant staying in chicago for an entire year.
no back and forth btw. michigan & chicago bull.
& i did it.
i succeeded.
one year spent as a f/t resident of the 2nd city...
& low n' behold, i didn't completely hate it.
i just ended up with a realization that i am so grateful i didn't sign any contracts
because a commitment to longer than a year would in fact make me hate this city. which is not really an option as i will want to walk down to wabash & 8th one day with a kid and point to my three houses within three blocks & tell him about the years i spent living in each of those places.
regardless.
its all that's on my mind.
its making it hard to see completed finals
china
china
teaching groups of chinese kids & college students how to master american sarcasm & facial expressions
china
walking around and not really hearing or understanding anything
completely disconnected except for the fact that i can hear tons of noise
& see things ive never seen before
or more so seeing all the brands ive been studying at an entirely different level of sophistication
& attempt to make sounds with my tongue
it will be just like being a toddler again
only with the ability to eat phenomenal foods... that i would never have chosen with my american options
& crazy new desserts that i'd normally be too picky to try
taking pictures and writing again like i did on mackinac
haven't felt so connected with my thoughts since i left
haven't felt so calm since the one day i started writing on that island
this is why i've got to go.
so please don't doubt me.
the doubt makes me procrastinate planning the life in china.
in some regards it may seem like a cop out so i wont have to begin the system's real life
but the thing is, and what you might have missed
was a meeting with my google mentor.
she told me.
what do you see yourself doing after december
i told her i want to learn more
i didnt get what i expected to get out of college
i went to college to learn
i dont think i learned what i went there to learn
im going to china to learn.
about the language
about myself
about the chinese lifestyle
about people completely different than anyone ive ever known or even considered spending time with
i need to find out where the real in reality is... because i dont seem to have found it here in sweet home chicago.
& i know. china isn't the best place in the world.
i just read this blog: Rants About China
that all said--
funny thing is.
1. i never mentioned anything happening this summer
2. i have to commit to work in china for a year
4.18.2010
3.30.2010
i wish i could make a living reading & laughing at texts from last night.
i can't sleep. sitting awake...
1. missing a lot of people right now.
funny thing is im not sure any of them know any of the other people even exist so i cant exactly just invite them all over for one big awkward catch up session.
2. and thinking about 3 possibilities for after next semester is done.
i'm going brain dead.
luckily...
1. missing a lot of people right now.
funny thing is im not sure any of them know any of the other people even exist so i cant exactly just invite them all over for one big awkward catch up session.
2. and thinking about 3 possibilities for after next semester is done.
i'm going brain dead.
luckily...
12.10.2009
11.17.2009
9.28.2009
9.23.2009
9.15.2009
8.19.2009
7.26.2009
7.03.2009
6.30.2009
4 for the day:
RIP Brilliant pre-insane MJ...
Movie 1 I cannot wait to see.
Movie 2 I cannot wait to see.
Movie 3 I cannot wait to see.
CLICK HERE
Movie 4 I cannot wait to see.
6.29.2009
Time to make some music, life music.
so.
i just spent an amazing weekend in Michigan.
it really is so true- you never realize how much you really love & appreciate something until you are really away from it for a long time.
i started to notice this a bit last year though i was too swept up in the mess that is columbia to want to go back to MI much.
then on mack (though it is a part of MI)...i noticed it a bit more when i was away for three months straight except for a mini miracle of a one night visit home for my brothers wedding.
but now.
going home is a treat.
& while i was home i got to spend a lovely bit of time with my boyfriend whom i absolutely adore & friends of mine i still like to consider friends because they are people that can even after months of not interacting with me so much, still manage to make me smile and laugh.
& then i realize... i might be a softy- but anyone who can make me smile, whether it be a bum on the street or a teacher, or a person i work with or walk with on the street or make eye contact semi-awkwardly + smile at, or whatever, i think i could see myself becoming friends with them in some way.
...even if it is just a minute friend.
Anyhow- life is getting as complicated as me driving.
I wish things were laid out nicely for me. I wish everything was handed to me just as I am supposed to receive it.
Well actually that is all bull. I just wish I had space and time in my life to accept the things I want to receive. Somehow I keep filling up my days with things that should fit in this little life I'm building for myself but they don't equal what I am looking for. Not making any sense? Ehh, maybe I can only understand the crazy ass thoughts going on in my mind today.
Last week i also went out to dinner with my friend eddie.
we had some (A TON) of lou malnotti's pizza at the (subtle suggestion of Mrs.Loerop through Jenna).
Lots of conversation that always leads to me wondering if i am happy doing what i am doing; working towards what i am working towards. i hate self-doubt.
Jenna knows this along with the rest of my best friends & mom that I cannot make decisions for the life of me.
Lately I've been getting slightly bitched at for not being able to make simple decisions. The problem is. I hate making small decisions. It seems so much time is spent on making decisions that really have no difference between the options, at least to me they don't.
Either a- i need to start finding importance in the trivial things, or i need to start planning on always choosing option one. Im tired of spending so much time on little decisions. It is driving me up the wall & keeping me from enjoying what's decided.
k- that might seem slightly bull shit; it's not. it's just a bit confusing.
Next year I am not doing this to myself. Less decisions... YES. Thanks. Great. Love. It.
I know what I want.
Travel + Do something Art-FULL + lay in fields and swim and focus on simply breathing and experiencing each day, day by day for a good amount of time; could take me months or maybe an entire year.
I am slightly, no extremely terrified I have set myself up & planned for a successful future with little happiness & freedom.
I know I don't want that.
Now let's not let that happen : )
Time to make some key BIG decisions.
bah bah-da bah BAH! Bang Bank Tap.
Time to make some music, life music.
Seriously the most unorganized mess was just written.
good god. PEACE.
-aka this is why i don't normally write on this blog-
i just spent an amazing weekend in Michigan.
it really is so true- you never realize how much you really love & appreciate something until you are really away from it for a long time.
i started to notice this a bit last year though i was too swept up in the mess that is columbia to want to go back to MI much.
then on mack (though it is a part of MI)...i noticed it a bit more when i was away for three months straight except for a mini miracle of a one night visit home for my brothers wedding.
but now.
going home is a treat.
& while i was home i got to spend a lovely bit of time with my boyfriend whom i absolutely adore & friends of mine i still like to consider friends because they are people that can even after months of not interacting with me so much, still manage to make me smile and laugh.
& then i realize... i might be a softy- but anyone who can make me smile, whether it be a bum on the street or a teacher, or a person i work with or walk with on the street or make eye contact semi-awkwardly + smile at, or whatever, i think i could see myself becoming friends with them in some way.
...even if it is just a minute friend.
Anyhow- life is getting as complicated as me driving.
I wish things were laid out nicely for me. I wish everything was handed to me just as I am supposed to receive it.
Well actually that is all bull. I just wish I had space and time in my life to accept the things I want to receive. Somehow I keep filling up my days with things that should fit in this little life I'm building for myself but they don't equal what I am looking for. Not making any sense? Ehh, maybe I can only understand the crazy ass thoughts going on in my mind today.
Last week i also went out to dinner with my friend eddie.
we had some (A TON) of lou malnotti's pizza at the (subtle suggestion of Mrs.Loerop through Jenna).
Lots of conversation that always leads to me wondering if i am happy doing what i am doing; working towards what i am working towards. i hate self-doubt.
Jenna knows this along with the rest of my best friends & mom that I cannot make decisions for the life of me.
Lately I've been getting slightly bitched at for not being able to make simple decisions. The problem is. I hate making small decisions. It seems so much time is spent on making decisions that really have no difference between the options, at least to me they don't.
Either a- i need to start finding importance in the trivial things, or i need to start planning on always choosing option one. Im tired of spending so much time on little decisions. It is driving me up the wall & keeping me from enjoying what's decided.
k- that might seem slightly bull shit; it's not. it's just a bit confusing.
Next year I am not doing this to myself. Less decisions... YES. Thanks. Great. Love. It.
I know what I want.
Travel + Do something Art-FULL + lay in fields and swim and focus on simply breathing and experiencing each day, day by day for a good amount of time; could take me months or maybe an entire year.
I am slightly, no extremely terrified I have set myself up & planned for a successful future with little happiness & freedom.
I know I don't want that.
Now let's not let that happen : )
Time to make some key BIG decisions.
bah bah-da bah BAH! Bang Bank Tap.
Time to make some music, life music.
Seriously the most unorganized mess was just written.
good god. PEACE.
-aka this is why i don't normally write on this blog-
6.10.2009
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