the singlemost important person in this world that i adore...



my first & LAST poem

summer 2010.

the summer of dreams.

i'm serious.

& let's be real, i'm not a big fan of "dreams"

what i am a fan of is control over my life.

last year i thought that being in control was being stable
& by being stable meant staying in chicago for an entire year.
no back and forth btw. michigan & chicago bull.

& i did it.
i succeeded.
one year spent as a f/t resident of the 2nd city...
& low n' behold, i didn't completely hate it.

i just ended up with a realization that i am so grateful i didn't sign any contracts

because a commitment to longer than a year would in fact make me hate this city. which is not really an option as i will want to walk down to wabash & 8th one day with a kid and point to my three houses within three blocks & tell him about the years i spent living in each of those places.


its all that's on my mind.
its making it hard to see completed finals
teaching groups of chinese kids & college students how to master american sarcasm & facial expressions
walking around and not really hearing or understanding anything
completely disconnected except for the fact that i can hear tons of noise
& see things ive never seen before
or more so seeing all the brands ive been studying at an entirely different level of sophistication
& attempt to make sounds with my tongue
it will be just like being a toddler again
only with the ability to eat phenomenal foods... that i would never have chosen with my american options
& crazy new desserts that i'd normally be too picky to try
taking pictures and writing again like i did on mackinac
haven't felt so connected with my thoughts since i left
haven't felt so calm since the one day i started writing on that island

this is why i've got to go.
so please don't doubt me.
the doubt makes me procrastinate planning the life in china.

in some regards it may seem like a cop out so i wont have to begin the system's real life

but the thing is, and what you might have missed

was a meeting with my google mentor.

she told me.

what do you see yourself doing after december
i told her i want to learn more

i didnt get what i expected to get out of college
i went to college to learn
i dont think i learned what i went there to learn

im going to china to learn.
about the language
about myself
about the chinese lifestyle
about people completely different than anyone ive ever known or even considered spending time with

i need to find out where the real in reality is... because i dont seem to have found it here in sweet home chicago.

& i know. china isn't the best place in the world.
i just read this blog: Rants About China

that all said--

funny thing is.
1. i never mentioned anything happening this summer
2. i have to commit to work in china for a year


i wish i could make a living reading & laughing at texts from last night.

i can't sleep. sitting awake...

1. missing a lot of people right now.
funny thing is im not sure any of them know any of the other people even exist so i cant exactly just invite them all over for one big awkward catch up session.

2. and thinking about 3 possibilities for after next semester is done.

i'm going brain dead.



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