Time to make some music, life music.

so.

i just spent an amazing weekend in Michigan.

it really is so true- you never realize how much you really love & appreciate something until you are really away from it for a long time.

i started to notice this a bit last year though i was too swept up in the mess that is columbia to want to go back to MI much.

then on mack (though it is a part of MI)...i noticed it a bit more when i was away for three months straight except for a mini miracle of a one night visit home for my brothers wedding.

but now.
going home is a treat.

& while i was home i got to spend a lovely bit of time with my boyfriend whom i absolutely adore & friends of mine i still like to consider friends because they are people that can even after months of not interacting with me so much, still manage to make me smile and laugh.

& then i realize... i might be a softy- but anyone who can make me smile, whether it be a bum on the street or a teacher, or a person i work with or walk with on the street or make eye contact semi-awkwardly + smile at, or whatever, i think i could see myself becoming friends with them in some way.
...even if it is just a minute friend.

Anyhow- life is getting as complicated as me driving.

I wish things were laid out nicely for me. I wish everything was handed to me just as I am supposed to receive it.
Well actually that is all bull. I just wish I had space and time in my life to accept the things I want to receive. Somehow I keep filling up my days with things that should fit in this little life I'm building for myself but they don't equal what I am looking for. Not making any sense? Ehh, maybe I can only understand the crazy ass thoughts going on in my mind today.

Last week i also went out to dinner with my friend eddie.
we had some (A TON) of lou malnotti's pizza at the (subtle suggestion of Mrs.Loerop through Jenna).
Lots of conversation that always leads to me wondering if i am happy doing what i am doing; working towards what i am working towards. i hate self-doubt.

Jenna knows this along with the rest of my best friends & mom that I cannot make decisions for the life of me.

Lately I've been getting slightly bitched at for not being able to make simple decisions. The problem is. I hate making small decisions. It seems so much time is spent on making decisions that really have no difference between the options, at least to me they don't.

Either a- i need to start finding importance in the trivial things, or i need to start planning on always choosing option one. Im tired of spending so much time on little decisions. It is driving me up the wall & keeping me from enjoying what's decided.

k- that might seem slightly bull shit; it's not. it's just a bit confusing.

Next year I am not doing this to myself. Less decisions... YES. Thanks. Great. Love. It.

I know what I want.
Travel + Do something Art-FULL + lay in fields and swim and focus on simply breathing and experiencing each day, day by day for a good amount of time; could take me months or maybe an entire year.

I am slightly, no extremely terrified I have set myself up & planned for a successful future with little happiness & freedom.
I know I don't want that.

Now let's not let that happen : )

Time to make some key BIG decisions.


bah bah-da bah BAH! Bang Bank Tap.
Time to make some music, life music.

Seriously the most unorganized mess was just written.

good god. PEACE.
-aka this is why i don't normally write on this blog-